Published Saturday, Jan. 19, 2002, in the San Jose Mercury News

Winning the Food Fight
WHEN KIDS ARE FINICKY, PARENTS OFTEN OVERREACT INSTEAD OF USING REASON

BY RENA SHAW DAVIDOW
Special to the Mercury News

One father dons a wig and puts on a puppet show to entertain his 2-year-old son at dinnertime. When the 2-year-old laughs, his mother speeds a spoonful of applesauce into his mouth. Another mother of two daughters has eating contests with her 5-year-old: "Let's see how many carrots we can eat in a minute!'' she says, and they both start chomping the baby carrots piled in a bowl. Sound unbelievable? That kind of strange behavior can develop when parents try to trick their children into eating. Food may be one of life's great pleasures, but it can become the source of discord, frustration and big helpings of parental angst, especially when children are finicky. And when parents are unhappy with how much, how little, or what their children eat, they can create a mealtime relationship filled with stress and struggle. "Every parent wants to feel as if they're taking care of their child's basic human needs, and one of the most basic is to be nourished,'' says Elizabeth Dumanian, a Menlo Park clinical social worker. Food preparation can be a way of showing affection, and eating a way of showing appreciation for the nurturing. But with anyone, especially children, food preferences often come into play, and take hold early. A 1998 study in the Journal of the American College of Nutrition reported that more than a third of parents of toddlers classified their children as picky eaters. In Australia and New Zealand, a 1999 Kellogg's survey showed that as many as 50 percent of youngsters between the ages of 2 and 4 have limited food preferences. Paul Protter, a Sunnyvale pediatrician, says that every day he sees parents who are worried about some aspect of their child's eating behavior. The concern "usually kicks in when the baby's growth rate slows down, near the age of 2.'' Change in growth rate is normal; sometimes the way parents react to it is not. "Regardless of what percentile a child's weight is in, the parent often thinks the kid isn't eating enough,'' he says. "They become desperate and will do anything to get the child to eat. They assault their kids with a fork,'' he says. "That's the main problem.'' Some parents resort to what Santa Cruz mother Peg Hart calls "aerobic dining.'' When 12-year-old Luke won't eat what's put on the table, she races back to the kitchen for his favorites: bagels, rice, french fries and other starchy foods. She used to enjoy making meals, but says she has "lost the pleasure of cooking.'' Teri Vershel of Palo Alto says that because of 6-year-old Rachel, a spontaneous dinner out has become impossible: "It's really limiting. We like ethnic food, but when all you can choose is pasta and pizza, it gets a little old.'' So what's a parent to do? Ellyn Satter, a nationally known dietitian and family therapist, has written several books with practical advice on how to feed children "with love and good sense,'' including "How to Get Your Kid to Eat . . . But Not Too Much.'' Parents, experts say, often focus on finding just the right foods, thinking that will cure the child's fussiness. But "curing -- or preventing -- finickiness has more to do with the way feeding is conducted than with the food itself,'' she says. "Picky eaters can be born or made.'' All children are born with varying sensitivities to taste, texture and smell and may turn down a food because it's unpalatable to them. When this happens, parents should reassure children that they don't have to eat food they don't want. Satter says, "The main task is not to get her to accept more food, but rather to expect appropriate mealtime behavior so her eating is not an issue. The finicky eater can't force down food that is unappealing, but she can learn to behave at the table and cope with her sensitivities.'' Adults who are picky unwittingly pass along the fussiness by serving a limited selection of food or being reluctant to try new foods themselves. Trying to force a child to eat can add to the problem, she says. "When children are pressured to eat certain amounts or types of food, they become revolted and avoid eating if they can.'' Satter says she's against preparing special foods when a child turns down what is served, because "short-order cooking'' tells the child that the parent really doesn't expect him to learn to like the rejected food. "If a parent has been generating special food for a child, he's been getting a lot of indirect attention for the food refusal. Someone's been catering to him. Why would he want to change?'' she asks. The key to Satter's analysis is a clear division of responsibility: It's the parent's job to provide nutritious food in a pleasant setting; it's the child's job to eat. Experts say parents must make sure that children are offered a healthy and appealing assortment of foods at mealtimes and regular snack times. They should not coerce, cajole or punish in food-related matters. Perhaps most challenging, they must remain unflinchingly neutral about what and how much the child chooses to eat. In short: Don't make food an issue. Of course it's hard for parents to keep their perspective when they're worried about a child's health. Boning up on nutrition can be reassuring. Satter says parents of toddlers, for example, are often surprised to learn that a "portion'' equals one tablespoon per year of age. This translates to just 1/4 cup of vegetables for a 4-year-old. If parents are concerned, Protter recommends giving a multi-vitamin with iron, but children generally outgrow "food jags.'' They have an inborn calorie counter, he says, and will almost always get enough of what they need. Set a good example. Protter advises parents to visibly enjoy meals. "Have a good time eating and show kids that they're going to miss a great experience if they don't eat. Ask them for their food. Say, 'Hey, if you're not going to have that, I'd really like it.''' Common sense helps, too. Berkeley mother Nancy Boyles was concerned because 3-year-old Julia was "skinny as a pole.'' Worried that her daughter wasn't eating enough, Boyles used to follow her with snacks, "making sure she always had food in her hand.'' When it occurred to her that Julia was full because of the constant snacking, she decided to limit the snacks. Now Julia "comes to the table hungry.'' Because her daughter now eats more at mealtimes, Boyles says she's more relaxed about her size, weight and the amount of food she eats. Anna Miller, a registered dietitian in Mountain View says that, "If mealtimes are not war zones and a variety of healthful foods are presented at regular intervals, over time, children will develop good eating habits.'' Rena Shaw Davidow is a freelance writer living in Palo Alto. She wrote this article for the San Jose Mercury News. Managing picky eaters Serve small portions of several foods. Children feel overwhelmed if there is too much food on their plates. Avoid distractions such as the television or having toys at the table. Also, have a regular place to eat. Let children help with menu planning, shopping and meal preparation. Younger children can be "tasters'' to check on spices in food. Make mealtimes a social occasion when family members connect. If your child isn't hungry, require her to sit at the table for a set amount of time just to visit. Know developmental stages. Choose food that is developmentally appropriate so children can control and swallow it comfortably. Limit snacks and drinks just before mealtime. Don't have food on hand that you don't want your child to snack on. Don't rush children. Allow them to eat at their own pace.

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